Doubter's Bench

You're Going To Church, Dammit!

Category Archives: Stupid

Quitting Smoking Sucks!

I am 5 days into my current quit and it seems to be going pretty solid. I actually believe I am going to make it this time. The biggest hurdles have been the behavioral triggers that I am having to reprogram.

1. Driving While Not Smoking:

This one was really hard.  I usually burn through a half a pack a day just on the commutes to work and lunch breaks.  I found the first day that my road rage was freakin’ out of control…but that’s cool as long as I wasn’t smoking.  I changed my lunch habit by not driving to get grub…this helped out some as well.

2. Drinking And Not Smoking:

I thought this one would be impossible, but I went to a wedding over the weekend and managed to be successful.  Once I get a bit of whiskey in my veins I usually start feening right away.  I calculated my approach to the event very carefully, however.  I pushed back my first drink until late in the evening.  Rather than start boozing after the ceremony, I waited until after dinner.  This made the amount of hours I had to be battling the whiskey-puffing demon a bit shorter.  I also sucked down boatloads of water in between liquor drinks.

What I am finding is that it is best to plow through the behaviors that I use to associate with smoking rather than avoid them.  The more I avoid these behaviors, the more likely I will become depressed and start feeling like I am missing out on life.  I think that’s one reason that people have a hard time quitting smoking.  Take the drinking part. “If I have a drink, then I am going to need to smoke…so I better not drink.”  Screw that!  You need to go have a drink…get plastered…all the while refusing to have a smoke.  When you wake up the next morning with the usual hangover but not the dead rot in your mouth, you will realize that you still CAN have fun without the smokes.

Basically…you need to reclaim these triggers…not avoid them.  That’s my advice.  But hell…I might relapse tomorrow, so why should you listen to me.

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We Need More Christian Theme Parks!

Even Buddha can’t resist the Jesus Coaster!

There is a rise in Christian theme park construction, mainly in Kentucky. The Creation Museum lets you kick Darwin’s theories of life in the monkey nuts while you sip on Eve’s Apple Cider and marvel at how far humans have advanced in a mere 6000 years. Now they are going to build a Noah’s Ark park a few hundred clicks away. I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to see exactly how long a cubit is. I hope the Amish architect on the project is 6′ 11″….that boat is going to be huge!

Your first question might be: Why are the Amish building a Noah Park? when in all actuality you should be asking this: Why are we limiting ourselves to just the first chapters of Genesis?

There are countless theme park opportunities at hand if we just read a little bit further. So here are some more suggestions:

Balaam’s Donkey Ranch and Petting Zoo

This would be a great idea, though it seems the Amish have already staked out this fertile ground too check it out

Lazarus’s Psychic Readings

This is more of a strip mall attraction, but offers franchising possibilities. Lazarus was dead, no doubt, so who better to ask about how your dead grandma is faring in the afterlife? Cleo? Think not!

Daniel’s Lion Frenzy and Dinner Theater

With Sigfried and Roy out of the picture, there is room to capitalize on the public’s desire to see ferocious cats. This seems like a no-brainer. Precedent says its a money-maker.

Gomorrah Water Park

Now when you think of Sodom and Gomorrah, you don’t really think about splashing in the pool, but it makes about as much sense as what is already being built in Kentucky. I say just go with it. You can use 95 degree salt water to get closer to literal if you are so inclined.

UPDATE: What? There is already a Christian water park?

Feel free to make some suggestions!