We Need More Christian Theme Parks!

Even Buddha can’t resist the Jesus Coaster!

There is a rise in Christian theme park construction, mainly in Kentucky. The Creation Museum lets you kick Darwin’s theories of life in the monkey nuts while you sip on Eve’s Apple Cider and marvel at how far humans have advanced in a mere 6000 years. Now they are going to build a Noah’s Ark park a few hundred clicks away. I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to see exactly how long a cubit is. I hope the Amish architect on the project is 6′ 11″….that boat is going to be huge!

Your first question might be: Why are the Amish building a Noah Park? when in all actuality you should be asking this: Why are we limiting ourselves to just the first chapters of Genesis?

There are countless theme park opportunities at hand if we just read a little bit further. So here are some more suggestions:

Balaam’s Donkey Ranch and Petting Zoo

This would be a great idea, though it seems the Amish have already staked out this fertile ground too check it out

Lazarus’s Psychic Readings

This is more of a strip mall attraction, but offers franchising possibilities. Lazarus was dead, no doubt, so who better to ask about how your dead grandma is faring in the afterlife? Cleo? Think not!

Daniel’s Lion Frenzy and Dinner Theater

With Sigfried and Roy out of the picture, there is room to capitalize on the public’s desire to see ferocious cats. This seems like a no-brainer. Precedent says its a money-maker.

Gomorrah Water Park

Now when you think of Sodom and Gomorrah, you don’t really think about splashing in the pool, but it makes about as much sense as what is already being built in Kentucky. I say just go with it. You can use 95 degree salt water to get closer to literal if you are so inclined.

UPDATE: What? There is already a Christian water park?

Feel free to make some suggestions!